Tag: personal

Who I am.

I drink too much.

I swear too much.

I laugh at the wrong times.

I find humor in irony.

I am sarcastic in every situation.

I am a bad influence on children.

I am a closet smoker.

I make fun of myself.

I have both ears pierced.

I have an addiction to cycling.

I am a free spirited man who enjoys simplicity.

I am a mystery to the people around me.

I never want to make total sense. I feel that my unique qualities in life make me someone in this world of ours. You’ve gotta find that razzle dazzle and make it your own.

A letter to M.

M,

You were my first love.

You were my first kiss.

You were my princess.

You were my world.

I loved you more than you’ll ever know.  I loved our adventures together before we dated and even when we dated to a point. We talked future together and talked moving west coast so that you could go “home” to Santa Monica. My whole life has been in the Philadelphia area but was willing to uproot my life to make you happy. I remember the night I asked you out with Rob and Steph in on everything and them encouraging me to ask you out. They would later tell me that they didn’t actually like you but knew it would make me happy if we dated.

I didn’t know how far we’d go or how long we’d last but I had hoped for a lifetime. A few weeks in, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. We peaked at New Years. I had my first New Years kiss and I was excited. The rest of that night was fantastic as well as I stumbled through town a little bit of a mess. I was in love at that point.

We had Winter Jawn in Philly and slept together (for the first and only time) the night before. You got hit a crowdsurfer, as did I. But, you lost your temper that day and it was from that point on that I knew we were over even though we didn’t break up until a few weeks later.

I was out with the guys the night before. I was an absolute wreck that morning. I remember going out to ride but I don’t remember much else. I was sitting in my office chair with a friend sitting next to me talking about life. I noticed a guy in your Snapchat that looked way too close to you and I called you out. You admitted that you had been cheating on me several times. I would later find out the total number weeks later. It seemed like you were on a mission.

I took the break up and the news pretty badly. I took too many anxiety pills that day and the following to help me keep my life together. I also drank a lot the following days. I would see a reflection of the old me.

We talked for about a month after the break up and I had contemplated dropping out of school for a good few weeks until I started hanging out with my friends at school and started getting social again. They kept me together for that month or so and I decided to stay. I’m glad I did. Prior to taking my Finance final I had a semester GPA of 3.8. Finance dropped me to 3.5, but I still made Deans List.

A lot happened after we broke up: I stopped smoking, I stopped taking pills, I drank a lot less, and I no longer felt suicidal. I also felt free and happy. Because I wasn’t focusing my attention on someone who didn’t love me, I was able to break free and truly love myself and find someone new in a way I never did and I have to thank you for setting me free. I was able to really focus on people who were meaningful and not on you who never really reciprocated.

I still have the bracelet you made for me. I don’t wear it and haven’t in a long time, but I do have it. I also do check on you on Twitter every once in a while to make sure you’re okay. Even though you really hurt me, I care.. to a minimal extent. I see you’re with a new guy and I’m happy for you. I just hope he treats you well and doesn’t treat you the way you treated me.

When we broke up, you made a thing that you remember my birthday. If you do wish me a happy birthday, I will respond nicely.

-D

 

 

Forced change.

I have always been known for having a great head of hair. My light brown and sun bleached blond hair has had a reputation of its own for many years. Until I was twenty-one, I had surfer hair that was shoulder length. It was rarely combed and definitely had the sun damaged look to it. It matched my carefree personality.

I cut it off about fourteen months ago. I went short. My new hairstyle got nicknamed the “Rachel Maddow” by friends. It didn’t matter. I loved the style. But, soon after that I noticed something. I’d see many strands of hair in the shower drain. My hair was falling out.

Months passed and I was still in denial. More fell out but it was only on the top. I combed over it the best I could. But, as I saw it falling out I felt that I could no longer rock the surfer look that had been my image.

Last month when my parents were getting their haircut, I scheduled an appointment with a woman named Lisa who had been my stylist since I was about twelve and got haircuts frequently.

Tonight was the appointment. I had explained to her that I was getting my haircut because my hair was thinning. She showed no interest. She asked what kind of style I wanted. I told her I wanted a longer top (to hide my lack of hair) and shorter sides but not that trendy look that’s been going around. So, she cut it and did a nice job. She also said she noticed that I’m growing longer curls that she never noticed before. For the lack of hair on top it turned out great.

This is the beginning of an all around change for me. When I go away for a little bit I plan on getting my ears pierced and getting CBRs. If I can’t have long hair anymore, I’m going to go with a new style.

Here’s my before and after from tonight

 

Reminiscing.

Many of my friends know that I am quite the story teller. If you give me a few shots, a few glasses, or a few cans, I will tell you a story of the past. Unfortunately, some stories go a little fuzzy because I’ve fallen on my head while riding my bicycles.

I’ve drank two glasses of moscato and have been in a reminiscing mood all day. Putting the two together, I am writing this entry. It’s primarily about the neighborhoods I grew up in and cycled through many times in my life.

I’ve lived in the same house for my entire life. Nobody really knows my address but goes by the house. It’s the one with brown shutters, beige siding, and has the oldest car on the block (my ’91 Toyota) in front of it. It’s also the house with the bicycle tracks all over the front lawn from me taking off and coming back.

I have many childhood memories in this neighborhood. I remember being three years old and riding my first tricycle down the street with my dad following close behind. As I got older, the tricycle got replaced with a big wheel, and then my many, many bicycles.

I think about the events we had over the years too. I think about the annual block parties we had in the very late ’90s. We had a puppet guy in our yard. I think about the birthday parties we had at my house when I was a child. They were mostly in a blow up pool and twenty kids were running through my house.. but still. I also think about the snowstorms and hurricanes. Snowstorms so bad people rode ATVs down Moore. Hurricanes so bad my backyard flooded.

Then I think about the people who lived here. I think about Dave, a friend of my dad’s who almost lived on Edy’s ice cream. I also think about the cat lady who got evicted like fifteen years ago.

There’s also some personal memories I’ve got when it comes to cycling. Like the time I rode a bicycle in the rain and my brakes got flooded and I had to ride without brakes. Or those miraculous rides in my late teens in the early morning hours after amazing parties with great people and having to listen to Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumours” because it was the softest music I had on my playlist.

But, the neighborhoods are changing unfortunately. Neighbors are moving out that I loved and got close with. At least three families have told me they are moving out or trying to in the next year or so. The neighborhood is full of disrespectful children who do not know how to ride bikes and either cut people off or hit parked cars and bail. In a lot of ways, it feels like our eighty-some family “family” is falling apart because of life changes. The people who move in aren’t as cool and make me miss the old people who lived on our streets.

Body + mind.

Growing up, I was very insecure with my body. I got bullied a lot for it when I was younger and got bullied until I was about 16. I hated showing my body publicly. I avoided beaches for five years because I was afraid to show my body and feared getting judged.

But, something happened last year. There was a day last summer where the heat index was over 100 degrees and I was riding my bicycle. I remember it being quite humid as well. But I was sweating really badly and had to do something because my tank top looked like I had just gone swimming in it. It was so drenched. It was in that moment, I got to a stop sign and rolled my tank top straight up. So, I looked like I was wearing a crop top of sorts. It was the first time I had shown any part of my chest in my community since I was about 14. Even then, that was for the pool. But I did like 20 or so miles with the makeshift crop top and nobody  made faces or looks of disgust at me so I grew comfortable and would do it for the remainder of the summer when it would get over 90 degrees. Having my shirt like that allows wind to hit me in the chest and helps me stay cooler and less likely to overheat on hot days. It’s almost like a throwback to cutoff shirts of the late ’80s – early ’90s that men wore to gyms. Except I can unfold and bring it back to being a functional shirt when I’m done.

In 2017, it became more common for me to dress like that. I even brought skin tight short shorts out for riding as well. It’s all in an effort to help people who struggle with body positivity on a personal level. There are people who know I put so much time and effort into cycling every day, and I wanted those people to see that even after all these years I still do not have a perfect body. It does look a lot better than what it had in the past but it is still far from perfect. I wanted those people to see that and I wanted to go vulnerable.. because I know there are people struggling with body positivity like I once did and are afraid to display themselves publicly like I was.

Confidence and positivity in yourself is so important. It’s how you carry yourself and other people notice that about you. Go out there and be you. Go to the beach even if you think your body is imperfect. People who judge on trivial things like that are miserable people and are dying inside. Don’t let that insecurity hold you back. Go out and have some fun and the time of your life.

The cycling philosophy.

By the end of August, I should be clearing my 80,000th cycled mile as well as my 2,100th session as a cyclist.

The unconventionality and style that I run with is so different from what people would could consider normal.. and you know, I’m okay with that. Because from the beginning this was never supposed to come off as “normal”. The oddities that I run with for cycling is what got it attention and got me on the map as a cyclist locally to the point clubs have reached out to me directly. I still decline all offers because I don’t need a club to showcase my abilities and also if I gave up my independence I would no longer be able to operate how I want to.

My philosophy involves unconventional training. Hell, to get my foot work down and achieve on point reaction time I maze my way through kids playing in neighborhoods and ride between moving cars and parked cars to perfect my accuracy.

My philosophy of cycling also involves the theory of “nothing gained, nothing lost”. Simply meaning I am not looking to gain muscle anymore (my thighs are over the 25 inch mark — all muscle,  making every pair of pants I own look like skinny jeans). I am also not looking to lose weight. At my ultimate lowest, I had weighed 115 pounds. This meant that I had in fact lost 150 pounds at one time. I currently weigh 175 pounds and that deceives a lot of people because I still wear a few of the shirts I wore when I weighed 60 pounds less.

But, because there’s not a look for a gain or a loss, it takes the pressure off of everything and lets me go out for those 42 miles a day and ride without stress and in peace.

Disconnect.

Tuesday, 1:24 am.

Recently, I feel like my entire life has been in disconnect. Things haven’t felt the same.

I haven’t wanted to talk to many people recently. In the last few weeks since school got out I have only communicated with two or three people on a daily basis. My texts have been dry except for the last few days where we were planning something.

Something feels off in my life and I can’t put my finger on it exactly but I think depression is a factor. I haven’t gone out much with the exception of this weekend where I was constantly out.

Sometimes I question things late at night and think about if they are really worth it anymore.

This girl I’ve been talking to and gotten close with knows I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life and has been very supportive as well as given me space when I’ve wanted to be alone. She understands me and she’s absolutely wonderful.