It’s nearing 11:30 on a Monday night and I’ve been doing some thinking about some things.
Not long ago, I heard “New York” by St. Vincent and it made me think about relationships of the past and possibly the future.
I think about my ex when writing this. The one I have written about on here countless times and one of the reasons why I started this new blog over a year ago. I definitely forgave her many, many times and I got jealous at times because she lived a life I’d always dreamed of when it came to even more excessive partying and doing new things. She was my everything for so long.. because even though we were official for only six weeks, we had history dating back six months before that and we also had been close for two years before that. The memories were always kind of faded because of how I was at the time, but even the faded memories go even more faded in time. I was very fond of the little things that we had.. like her sleeping on my shoulder on the train and cuddling at my house. The little things. The little things that were more than enough for me but nothing for her. I think I was so in love at one point that I would have probably forgiven her for anything just to keep her. Even after the relationship ended, she did try to snake back to me before she dated the guy she is dating now. It was hard to reject her at that time, but I was in company of friends at the time she asked if I wanted to start again. Had I not been, I don’t know what I would have done. I may have said yes.. I don’t know. From my occasional check ins, she seems the happiest she’s ever been. I’m happy to see she’s happy.
As for the future, I think about something that my trainer said to me way back when I was a trainee. It was “Never get married and never have kids.. they’ll suck you dry”. He’s been married about 25 years and has three kids. The oldest is about to graduate high school. I think the youngest is about to enter high school. He’s said a lot of things over the fifteen months I’ve worked there and I think about all of them. He’s also said something like “Have a relationship, but remain distant”. This is all unsolicited advice but I still think about what he says.
The never have kids bit is something that I heavily agree on. It really upsets my mother but she knows how I feel. A good friend of mine tries to change my mind with her toddler daughter and I play along, but deep down I don’t want kids. A lot of it comes from frustration in my neighborhood. There’s a lot of kids younger than ten and they’re all terrible. Terrible to eachother. Terrible to other people. Terrible to me. I’ve never seen kids so aggressive and disrespectful as these kids. One night I saw one of the boys wrestle another boy to the ground in the middle of the street. The one boy left absolutely covered in blood while the other sat there laughing like he was told the world’s funniest joke. This has happened several times, but the mentioned time was the worst.
I think my uncle had the right idea. He didn’t marry until he was in his late fifties and had a kid around the same time. He retired two years ago and raised his daughter while his wife is fifteen years younger and goes to work. Maybe that’s the way to go. Live your prime being single.. and then when you’re slowing down.. get tied down to someone you know would always be by your side?