Tag: exes

Late night thoughts.

It’s nearing 11:30 on a Monday night and I’ve been doing some thinking about some things.

Not long ago, I heard “New York” by St. Vincent and it made me think about relationships of the past and possibly the future.

I think about my ex when writing this. The one I have written about on here countless times and one of the reasons why I started this new blog over a year ago. I definitely forgave her many, many times and I got jealous at times because she lived a life I’d always dreamed of when it came to even more excessive partying and doing new things. She was my everything for so long.. because even though we were official for only six weeks, we had history dating back six months before that and we also had been close for two years before that. The memories were always kind of faded because of how I was at the time, but even the faded memories go even more faded in time. I was very fond of the little things that we had.. like her sleeping on my shoulder on the train and cuddling at my house. The little things. The little things that were more than enough for me but nothing for her. I think I was so in love at one point  that I would have probably forgiven her for anything just to keep her. Even after the relationship ended, she did try to snake back to me before she dated the guy she is dating now. It was hard to reject her at that time, but I was in company of friends at the time she asked if I wanted to start again. Had I not been, I don’t know what I would have done. I may have said yes.. I don’t know. From my occasional check ins, she seems the happiest she’s ever been. I’m happy to see she’s happy.

As for the future, I think about something that my trainer said to me way back when I was a trainee. It was “Never get married and never have kids.. they’ll suck you dry”. He’s been married about 25 years and has three kids. The oldest is about to graduate high school. I think the youngest is about to enter high school. He’s said a lot of things over the fifteen months I’ve worked there and I think about all of them. He’s also said something like “Have a relationship, but remain distant”. This is all unsolicited advice but I still think about what he says.

The never have kids bit is something that I heavily agree on. It really upsets my mother but she knows how I feel. A good friend of mine tries to change my mind with her toddler daughter and I play along, but deep down I don’t want kids. A lot of it comes from frustration in my neighborhood. There’s a lot of kids younger than ten and they’re all terrible. Terrible to eachother. Terrible to other people. Terrible to me. I’ve never seen kids so aggressive and disrespectful as these kids. One night I saw one of the boys wrestle another boy to the ground in the middle of the street. The one boy left absolutely covered in blood while the other sat there laughing like he was told the world’s funniest joke. This has happened several times, but the mentioned time was the worst.

I think my uncle had the right idea. He didn’t marry until he was in his late fifties and had a kid around the same time. He retired two years ago and raised his daughter while his wife is fifteen years younger and goes to work. Maybe that’s the way to go. Live your prime being single.. and then when you’re slowing down.. get tied down to someone you know would always be by your side?

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I heard from my source.

It’s a source and I don’t have proof but I heard my ex may be pregnant. The pictures I was shown of her 21st birthday party make it more convincing.

If she is pregnant, good for her. She talked about having children when we were together and I thought it was too much too soon because we were both in college (she still is). We messed around a few times and did play it safe but I was worried that safe wasn’t safe enough and that I’d get a phone call from her mom. By early November, I was feeling relieved.

Deep down, I always thought she’d have a child fairly young in life based on what she’s like. If you read my last entry, you’d know what I mean. If she is pregnant and she’s the same way she used to be with me, that kid may not even be her boyfriend’s.

She slept around A LOT. Before my relationship and during my relationship with her, there were a lot of dudes. There were eight other dudes in the six weeks when me and her were together and there were quite a few before me too. It seemed like she found a new guy every weekend at parties she went to at universities in the area. I would find out all these details much later.

For his sake, I hope she’s remained faithful and if she is pregnant, I hope it’s his. From what I’ve been told, they’re happy together and she’s been faithful.

But then I think about it from a personal standpoint. If it was my child. What would I do? How would it impact me?

Almost everyone who knows me knows I’m adopted. I was the child of two young adults (they were 19 and 20) and they didn’t have great jobs that could financially raise a child. I was adopted by a middle aged couple (now both in their late 60s) and I can definitely say it was the right choice. I grew up feeling loved and cared about (..and spoiled). If I had a child and couldn’t take care of them, I’d definitely look to go that route because it would be the best for the child. My parents are both very religious and an abortion would definitely go against everything they believe in.

On the other hand.. I am financially capable to support a child by myself. Also previously mentioned in my last entry, I live at home and I’d say I keep about 85% of my net earnings. I try to help my parents out a little bit because they don’t charge me rent or anything. I’d have the money to raise a child but not the time. I’m gone from 5:30 am until about 5:00 pm five days a week. If I had a child, I’d never see them and I’d feel like a neglectful parent for having to constantly have my parents watching my child. Even in that situation, I’d probably still try to put my child up for adoption so that they could have the best life and best opportunities possible just like I had with my adopted family.

She turned 21.

Yesterday, my ex-girlfriend and former friend turned 21.

I thought about her yesterday wondering how she’d celebrate or what her boyfriend would do for her.

I haven’t talked to her in nearly a year and don’t have her number anymore. If I did, I would have wished her a happy birthday.

While she did do some horrible things to me and treated me terribly, I’ve moved past that and let it go. The bitterness, anger, and sadness that first hit have long disappeared.

As much as I don’t like to admit it, I think about her sometimes. We were friends for over five years and had been through a lot together.

In the end, what killed everything was the fact that I’m a simple person. I wanted the ‘just us’ time, I wanted to stay in some nights, and I didn’t want to party that much because I had done my share of that in the four years leading up to dating her. I was partied out while she was just starting to experience it for the first time.

To my knowledge, we’ve both remained unchanged.

We have a mutual friend who has for the most part given up on her. My ex is kind of wild when she drinks a little or smokes a little. But if she does a little too much of either, she’s out of control. I saw it plenty of times to the point she’d flirt with and try to kiss other men when we were out together.

I remain simple. I don’t party anymore because my heart isn’t in it and I’ve grown past that stage of my life. Instead, I hang out with my friends once in a while and we go out for a couple drinks. Unfortunately, I can never get all five of us together and the best I can usually do is three people.. but we make it work. Sometimes I roadie with my friend’s band and get to hangout with musicians and I like that a lot.

I remember one of the last talks we had. It was about jobs.

I had just been hired by my government agency and I told her I was going to do pretty well in a few years based on the structure of payscale.

She said a formal job “wasn’t for her”, and that she would probably busk for money at train stations in Philly. I’ve never seen her at the stations. From what I’ve gotten out of our mutual, her boyfriend doubles as a sugar daddy.. and because of that she doesn’t need a job.

In a lot of ways, I’m glad things worked out the way they did. I’d probably be broke because I’d have to pay for everything. Instead, I’m financially well off because I still live at home and just about everything I make is mine.

In the end, I think my overall simplicity and desire for an old school relationship wasn’t enough for her and she wanted more. In the end, I think she got what she really wanted.

I check on her on occasion.

I broke up with my ex a little over eight months ago and haven’t talked to her in seven months. I have blocked her on every social media platform except Twitter for a very specific reason.

It links to her VSCO.

Every once in a while, I check her VSCO to see if she’s alright and if she’s changed since we broke up. She’s still with the same guy and smoking pot and constantly photographing it, so that’s nice to see. She’s also still twerking too.

I also never blocked her number. It’s no longer in my contacts, but if she ever did contact me I would receive it.

Seeing stuff like that makes me feel better about things. Mostly because I know I’m not missing out. I’m not about smoking pot and going to parties in suspicious parts of the city. I’m more of the work professionally 7-3 and exercise at night and then have a little fun on the weekends kind of person.

My friends say that I have a case of the “on-set adult”, and they’re right. I want to make money and be successful and those were two things she never appeared to want to do. As the adult I’ve grown into, I now realize she was holding me back and in some ways I’m thankful she cheated on me because it was how I broke free and never looked back.

 

Updates.

I’ve been very busy recently. I am writing this after midnight because I can’t sleep because I took a four hour nap because it rained all day. I haven’t been able to blog at all because I’ve been busy at school and at work. So here’s some updates.

– I started my final semester at university on 21 August. I have an online writing class, a class about how to be an entrepreneur, and a business class that I should have taken like a year ago but somehow managed to bypass for the last two years. My advisor gave me hell about it over the spring. I have friends in both physically met classes.

– I’ve now cycled 81,000 miles. I reached 80,000 miles in early August and 81,000 miles last week. I’ve also surpassed the 9,000 mile mark for the fifth consecutive year. I’m about 1,000 miles behind what I did last year at this time but I’m okay with it because I got very run down from the excessive cycling in previous years. I feel better going into fall this year.

– I’ve been working three days a week since early May. I write contracts and contact manufacturers. I take two trains to get there. One of my buddies is trying to get a job in the same agency I work for. I’ve been pulling for him.

– I’ve recovered from anorexia. I weigh the most I have in seven years but I feel strong and healthy; something I’ve not felt in many years.

– I got new earrings. My temporary studs were removed over the weekend and replaced with very tiny white gold hoops that hug my lobes.

– I recently heard from a friend of my ex’s. She contacted me because she fears my ex is getting out of control and thought I may be the only one who could tame her. I’m not about it and could honestly care less after what she did to me over the winter. I also found out she’s at a new college, dating a much older man, and spending a lot of time in the middle of Jersey.

I’ll update again later in the semester.

Until then,

David

 

 

A letter to M.

M,

You were my first love.

You were my first kiss.

You were my princess.

You were my world.

I loved you more than you’ll ever know.  I loved our adventures together before we dated and even when we dated to a point. We talked future together and talked moving west coast so that you could go “home” to Santa Monica. My whole life has been in the Philadelphia area but was willing to uproot my life to make you happy. I remember the night I asked you out with Rob and Steph in on everything and them encouraging me to ask you out. They would later tell me that they didn’t actually like you but knew it would make me happy if we dated.

I didn’t know how far we’d go or how long we’d last but I had hoped for a lifetime. A few weeks in, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. We peaked at New Years. I had my first New Years kiss and I was excited. The rest of that night was fantastic as well as I stumbled through town a little bit of a mess. I was in love at that point.

We had Winter Jawn in Philly and slept together (for the first and only time) the night before. You got hit a crowdsurfer, as did I. But, you lost your temper that day and it was from that point on that I knew we were over even though we didn’t break up until a few weeks later.

I was out with the guys the night before. I was an absolute wreck that morning. I remember going out to ride but I don’t remember much else. I was sitting in my office chair with a friend sitting next to me talking about life. I noticed a guy in your Snapchat that looked way too close to you and I called you out. You admitted that you had been cheating on me several times. I would later find out the total number weeks later. It seemed like you were on a mission.

I took the break up and the news pretty badly. I took too many anxiety pills that day and the following to help me keep my life together. I also drank a lot the following days. I would see a reflection of the old me.

We talked for about a month after the break up and I had contemplated dropping out of school for a good few weeks until I started hanging out with my friends at school and started getting social again. They kept me together for that month or so and I decided to stay. I’m glad I did. Prior to taking my Finance final I had a semester GPA of 3.8. Finance dropped me to 3.5, but I still made Deans List.

A lot happened after we broke up: I stopped smoking, I stopped taking pills, I drank a lot less, and I no longer felt suicidal. I also felt free and happy. Because I wasn’t focusing my attention on someone who didn’t love me, I was able to break free and truly love myself and find someone new in a way I never did and I have to thank you for setting me free. I was able to really focus on people who were meaningful and not on you who never really reciprocated.

I still have the bracelet you made for me. I don’t wear it and haven’t in a long time, but I do have it. I also do check on you on Twitter every once in a while to make sure you’re okay. Even though you really hurt me, I care.. to a minimal extent. I see you’re with a new guy and I’m happy for you. I just hope he treats you well and doesn’t treat you the way you treated me.

When we broke up, you made a thing that you remember my birthday. If you do wish me a happy birthday, I will respond nicely.

-D

 

 

The feeling of finally belonging.

I spent many years of my life not knowing where I belonged. I never really had a great social life with any circle of friends. Yeah, I had friends but we never really went anywhere.

I spent years with “whatserface” and we hung out a bit. But, even that wasn’t great despite her being my high school crush and later on my girlfriend. Most times it was just me and her and it was me babysitting her because it was her chance to break free from her parents. She was highly overprotected by her parents growing up and for some reason her mom really trusted me going to the city with her despite me being very open about certain things of my past that most mothers would not be happy about. My friends never really liked whatserface and were very vocal about not wanting her around and not liking her.

They didn’t like her because she would always invite herself to things that only I was invited to and everyone hated that. She even invited us to things only her friends were invited to and insisted that we went despite neither of us being invited.

(Quick story: New Years Eve was the biggest example of that. Her friends were invited to a party, neither of us were, and they pretty much told her that we couldn’t go because the guy throwing the party didn’t know us).

I’m just happy that’s all over. I don’t have to fake smile my way through pictures until someone gets the “right angle”, I don’t have to spend a Sunday night in a hookah lounge while a million freaking pictures are being taken, and I don’t feel forced into going to house parties where I feel totally out of place. It’s all such a relief that I don’t have to worry about any of that anymore. I can also drink in a restaurant because we’re all of age. I also don’t get my hopes up anymore being told I’m getting to go somewhere and then like an hour before leaving getting a phone call being like “Oh, sorry. We don’t have room in the car for you” or “The driver doesn’t want to take you. Find a different way there and we’ll meet up” with her knowing that I couldn’t arrange plans that quickly and would constantly send me Snapchats of literally everything she was doing and rubbing it in my face.

After I broke it off and distanced myself from her, I was able to reconnect with lost friends of the past and hung out with them almost every weekend for the first month after the break up. They’ve got lives too though and I haven’t seen some of them in a little bit. I also kind of feel out of place because they’re mostly couples and it’s not an ideal match.

What is an ideal match is the new circle of friends that formed this semester. It’s kind of weird how we formed though. We formed out of a group project for our Finance class. Three of the four of us also have another class together and it helped us grow closer because we would spend about an hour together after that class just hanging out and going on mini “field trips” after class. It was nothing special. It was like going to a trail near school and exploring, or getting Levi allergy medicine at CVS, or just going to Chick Fil A for a snack. Finance also grew super draining towards the end, so we would go out for a little while afterwards and eventually end up playing parking lot frisbee. We make fun of each other quite a bit but it’s because we care about each other (and we’re just jerks to each other).

We’ve already got a concert together scheduled for the summer and also a Memorial Day weekend trip to the beach. I finally feel like I fit in somewhere. That I can be myself and I don’t have to filter myself and pretend to be things I’m not. I’m just Dave, the cyclist with huge legs. I’m known for being the loudest and one of the most sarcastic in groups of people and I like that I can do and be that.