Tag: exes

A letter to M.

M,

You were my first love.

You were my first kiss.

You were my princess.

You were my world.

I loved you more than you’ll ever know.  I loved our adventures together before we dated and even when we dated to a point. We talked future together and talked moving west coast so that you could go “home” to Santa Monica. My whole life has been in the Philadelphia area but was willing to uproot my life to make you happy. I remember the night I asked you out with Rob and Steph in on everything and them encouraging me to ask you out. They would later tell me that they didn’t actually like you but knew it would make me happy if we dated.

I didn’t know how far we’d go or how long we’d last but I had hoped for a lifetime. A few weeks in, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. We peaked at New Years. I had my first New Years kiss and I was excited. The rest of that night was fantastic as well as I stumbled through town a little bit of a mess. I was in love at that point.

We had Winter Jawn in Philly and slept together (for the first and only time) the night before. You got hit a crowdsurfer, as did I. But, you lost your temper that day and it was from that point on that I knew we were over even though we didn’t break up until a few weeks later.

I was out with the guys the night before. I was an absolute wreck that morning. I remember going out to ride but I don’t remember much else. I was sitting in my office chair with a friend sitting next to me talking about life. I noticed a guy in your Snapchat that looked way too close to you and I called you out. You admitted that you had been cheating on me several times. I would later find out the total number weeks later. It seemed like you were on a mission.

I took the break up and the news pretty badly. I took too many anxiety pills that day and the following to help me keep my life together. I also drank a lot the following days. I would see a reflection of the old me.

We talked for about a month after the break up and I had contemplated dropping out of school for a good few weeks until I started hanging out with my friends at school and started getting social again. They kept me together for that month or so and I decided to stay. I’m glad I did. Prior to taking my Finance final I had a semester GPA of 3.8. Finance dropped me to 3.5, but I still made Deans List.

A lot happened after we broke up: I stopped smoking, I stopped taking pills, I drank a lot less, and I no longer felt suicidal. I also felt free and happy. Because I wasn’t focusing my attention on someone who didn’t love me, I was able to break free and truly love myself and find someone new in a way I never did and I have to thank you for setting me free. I was able to really focus on people who were meaningful and not on you who never really reciprocated.

I still have the bracelet you made for me. I don’t wear it and haven’t in a long time, but I do have it. I also do check on you on Twitter every once in a while to make sure you’re okay. Even though you really hurt me, I care.. to a minimal extent. I see you’re with a new guy and I’m happy for you. I just hope he treats you well and doesn’t treat you the way you treated me.

When we broke up, you made a thing that you remember my birthday. If you do wish me a happy birthday, I will respond nicely.

-D

 

 

The feeling of finally belonging.

I spent many years of my life not knowing where I belonged. I never really had a great social life with any circle of friends. Yeah, I had friends but we never really went anywhere.

I spent years with “whatserface” and we hung out a bit. But, even that wasn’t great despite her being my high school crush and later on my girlfriend. Most times it was just me and her and it was me babysitting her because it was her chance to break free from her parents. She was highly overprotected by her parents growing up and for some reason her mom really trusted me going to the city with her despite me being very open about certain things of my past that most mothers would not be happy about. My friends never really liked whatserface and were very vocal about not wanting her around and not liking her.

They didn’t like her because she would always invite herself to things that only I was invited to and everyone hated that. She even invited us to things only her friends were invited to and insisted that we went despite neither of us being invited.

(Quick story: New Years Eve was the biggest example of that. Her friends were invited to a party, neither of us were, and they pretty much told her that we couldn’t go because the guy throwing the party didn’t know us).

I’m just happy that’s all over. I don’t have to fake smile my way through pictures until someone gets the “right angle”, I don’t have to spend a Sunday night in a hookah lounge while a million freaking pictures are being taken, and I don’t feel forced into going to house parties where I feel totally out of place. It’s all such a relief that I don’t have to worry about any of that anymore. I can also drink in a restaurant because we’re all of age. I also don’t get my hopes up anymore being told I’m getting to go somewhere and then like an hour before leaving getting a phone call being like “Oh, sorry. We don’t have room in the car for you” or “The driver doesn’t want to take you. Find a different way there and we’ll meet up” with her knowing that I couldn’t arrange plans that quickly and would constantly send me Snapchats of literally everything she was doing and rubbing it in my face.

After I broke it off and distanced myself from her, I was able to reconnect with lost friends of the past and hung out with them almost every weekend for the first month after the break up. They’ve got lives too though and I haven’t seen some of them in a little bit. I also kind of feel out of place because they’re mostly couples and it’s not an ideal match.

What is an ideal match is the new circle of friends that formed this semester. It’s kind of weird how we formed though. We formed out of a group project for our Finance class. Three of the four of us also have another class together and it helped us grow closer because we would spend about an hour together after that class just hanging out and going on mini “field trips” after class. It was nothing special. It was like going to a trail near school and exploring, or getting Levi allergy medicine at CVS, or just going to Chick Fil A for a snack. Finance also grew super draining towards the end, so we would go out for a little while afterwards and eventually end up playing parking lot frisbee. We make fun of each other quite a bit but it’s because we care about each other (and we’re just jerks to each other).

We’ve already got a concert together scheduled for the summer and also a Memorial Day weekend trip to the beach. I finally feel like I fit in somewhere. That I can be myself and I don’t have to filter myself and pretend to be things I’m not. I’m just Dave, the cyclist with huge legs. I’m known for being the loudest and one of the most sarcastic in groups of people and I like that I can do and be that.

Late thoughts.

on the 8th of the month, it will be one month since I’d last had any contact with her. Whether it’s by phone call or text, it will be a month. It’s not the longest we’ve not talked to each other as there was a six month hiatus two years ago. That time, we admitted we needed a break from each other and decided not to talk. This time, it just ended. The very last thing I ever texted her was “Shit happens. That’s life”.

I have no interest in ever being friends with her again nor would I ever consider dating her again. But, after a few beers in late at night, I think about her and how she’s doing or if she ever dated any of the eight guys she cheated on me with.

I loved her. I honestly did. Even when she was difficult, selfish, and all about her and never about us. But, I know her life and I know her path choices. They aren’t always the best and at times they get her in a lot of trouble. There would be nights when we were just friends where she’d do something and something would happen and she would ask for advice. As the harder rebel I once was, I still got a few tricks up my sleeve and could always get her out safely by giving her strategy. But now, she has nobody to give her strategy and she’s probably still going to parties, still getting wrecked, still getting abused by guys at parties, and still relying on someone at the party to help her out of her mistake. I did everything I could to be a friend and boyfriend to her.. but it ended in heartbreak and infinite sadness.

I often say I’m over her because I never really think of her.. but, when I do think of her it hits me in the feels and makes me think back to when times were good.

“Nothing lasts forever.”

I was having this talk with a friend of mine. She’s going through a difficult time in her life. I’m not really good at giving advice but the thing I told her was that “Nothing lasts forever”. Good or bad, it’s the truth. She’s not in a good place right now but it won’t be forever. She has a boyfriend that absolutely loves her,  going to graduate college in the next year or so, and is trying to apply for a government job (I gave her a little bit of help, telling her where to apply for a government job that fits her career – she’s involved in medical and psychology).

I say “nothing lasts forever” quite a bit. It’s almost like my motto. A couple can be married for 50 years until one of them passes away. That’s a lifetime, but not forever.

I look at the little things in my life, like cycling. A lot of people who’ve known me for years thought I’d grow old and be a cyclist until I couldn’t do it anymore. But, every once in a while friends will ask me about my cyclist life and what I plan to do with it in time. People are stunned that I project I’ll be completely disconnected from it in three years or less because I want to retire from it while I can still walk. Cycling won’t be forever for me. It will be ten and a half years at the very most. But, it will still be nice to say I was a cyclist for a decade through the core of my teens and through my early twenties.

I have friends who have dated several years and known each other longer than they’ve dated. I have friends that are dating each other and I hear what each of them say when they’re not next to each other. The girl will talk about getting married and having a kid and even their first home together. The guy will be like “we’ll probably get married one day”, but it doesn’t go much beyond that as we sit there drinking our beer. Maybe I’m just a typical dude that doesn’t look that far in the future. Partially because it’s a scary place, partially because events change the way people look at each other.

Unrelated rant: The thought of “nothing lasts forever” lives with me. It’s why I never talk about the future if I’m dating someone. The way I feel in a specific moment definitely won’t be the same in the future. Even thinking back to my recent relationship that ended.. I was in love at first because I dated the girl I always wanted to date. But, after a while.. before everything came out, I went along with it but didn’t feel much of anything towards the end. We were two very different people and it became very clear. I had a direction for a future and a career and I knew what I wanted to do where as she just hoped that someone would discover her “talent” while she was busking or something. She solely relied on being discovered whereas I went to my current job with my blog entries and my cycling archive to show the kind of things I’m capable of doing and let them decide if I was worth bringing on board. Hell, I even showed her how to apply for a job where I work but she declined it because it “sabotaged her dream”. I wish her the best, but I’m not going to do anything to help her or her future.

 

I can’t hold on to an empty space.

It’s been almost a month since the break up. The dust has settled in the last two weeks or so.

I try not to talk to her and have her blocked everywhere except for direct contact through text. I never text her first. She always contacts me first now and I will eventually answer. She tries to piece back together and be friends whereas I want absolutely nothing from her or anything to do with her.

She contacted me for the first time in two weeks last night. I was asleep when she sent it so I woke up to it. It was a text regarding her noticing that I blocked her literally everywhere I could think of. We texted briefly. She still tried to apologize and justify what she did along with the interest of trying to be friends again.

The thing with her though is that I don’t think it’s the friendship she wants. I think she wants the benefits (not those benefits). She’s been slowly realizing that nobody has the patience, honesty, faithfulness, care, and natural love like I had for her. That’s not my problem anymore. She’s not my responsibility anymore. I got to write pretty things to her for over five years and got to really develop my writing through that. That’s my bright side.

I live my life exactly the way I want to now and I want to keep it that way. I’m free and no longer getting hurt by someone who’s so narcissistic and misdirects anger at the people she loves (after the break up, I found out I’m not the only one she was verbally abusive towards).

I’m in a good place now and I want to stay there. If I let her crawl back into my life I don’t think I’d be able to stay in that place.

 

4:30 am on a Monday: rambles about the past, social life, and about future relationships.

It’s a little after 4:30 am on a Monday and I can’t sleep for some odd reason. I’ve laid here for over an hour and I’m on the couch because I fell asleep here.

I had a full weekend. I went out back to back nights and it’s been becoming more common for me compared to the hermit life I had for quite a while. Well, actually… I went out Friday night, came back and wrote the previous post, and then went back out Saturday morning before 10 am, and didn’t get back until close to 11 pm.

Single life has treated me very well. Back when I was dating, I didn’t get to go out very much or I went to places I didn’t like. Honestly though, I spent just about every weekend in because a) she would say that we were invited to a party [usually at Temple] but then like an hour before we would leave I would get a text reading something like “We have no room in the car to take you” or “The driver doesn’t want to take you” or b) we would go out but it would be where she wanted to go and I never got to pick because it was always about her and what she wanted. She gave zero compromise. We almost always ended up at a hookah bar or the same pizza place in Philly and she would take a million freakin’ pictures to prove to Snapchat and Instagram that she was out [I deleted all of the ones I had everywhere but if you’re friends with her on Facebook, she might still have pictures of us on her profile. If you look at the ones taken at like “Winter Jawn” in January, I have this really fake looking smile in all pictures because I was beyond sick of posing for pictures so she could get her “perfect” angle. It’s the kind of thing you put up with when you date a friend of five years.. only to have it end like three weeks later. I can’t verify if she still has any of them up because I have since blocked her on every social media platform because I just couldn’t deal with her anymore after the break up].

So, this would totally screw up my plans and I’d spend many nights at home while getting texts from her bragging about how much fun she was having and sending me Snapchats of her having a great time without me while she was clearly out of it. Stuff like this happened even before we dated. While we only dated for six weeks, we were unofficially a thing on and off since the spring.

My social life has grown so much in the near month since the break up. I get invited to so many things now and friends are no longer hesitant to invite me places because they no longer fear her inviting herself [which is a very common thing that she does to everyone.. it was super awkies when she invited us to a New Years party that neither of us were invited to but her friend was invited to]. My friends have been really good to me too since everything happened. Since the break up I’ve been invited to several parties, an underground concert, a hockey game, a bar crawl, and invited to just go on a day drive adventure because it was a nice day. I’ve gone to everything except the bar crawl because I had already been out back to back nights and was starting to feel run down. While I love going out, I always have to remember I’m not 18 anymore and can’t pull the same kind of things I did then. I can’t do sunset to sunrise partying because my body doesn’t let me anymore. Ideally, I leave at like 7 or 8 and come home at midnight or 1 and can do two nights of that. I’ve also become a regular at a friend’s house. I think his family likes me but I don’t know. He invites me over and I show up at his front door.

Two or three of my friends are also trying to play Cupid and set me up with girls. They all know my type. I love girls with tattoos or girls with an interest in art and wouldn’t mind getting lost in an art museum for a little while. Or even girls with the same taste in music that I have [I’m big on indie and alternative]. I’d also like her to be at least 21 so we could go out and not be restricted because of age. There’s this one girl I’ve had interest in for quite some time and she seems cool. I see her around once in a while but we never really talk. We usually just exchange head nods in passing. She has some cool tattoos but I don’t know about anything else and don’t know a whole lot about her. I’ve heard she has a boyfriend but I don’t know.

Whoever I date in the future, I just want my friends to like her. It was one of the biggest problems in my last relationship. Nobody wanted to be around her, even when we were just friends. They would also talk negatively about her behind her back but I would try and defend her. I just want everyone to be friends and have a nice thing going where everyone gets along.

The lessons I learned in the break up.

The break up’s been hard. Really hard. It’s bad enough finding out that there were more than the original four guys I found out about that she cheated on me with in the six weeks. It’s harder because we were friends for five years. It’s sad in a lot of ways trying to watch her justify her cheating on me with more than half dozen guys in six weeks. I get it, you wanted to be a slut and I tied you down. You could have just said that when we were talking about dating in November. I don’t judge people, but I wouldn’t have wasted my time had I known.

This whole thing taught me a lot of bitter lessons.

– If something seems sketchy.. it probably is. At first, she was real cozy with me. But after the new year started, she seemed very distant. It didn’t seem right. Now I know why.

– Don’t always give people benefit of the doubt. If something feels like it’s occurring more than once, definitely ask about it. That’s how I found out she was cheating on me. She came clean because I figured it out and stopped giving her benefit of the doubt.

– You may love them, but they may not love you back. I loved her for a long time. Even before we dated. I cared about her more than any guy ever did and I was one of the few that treated her really well (I know her dating history.. and it’s not pretty). I wanted to give her the world and buy her nice things because I have a good job and she doesn’t. But, she didn’t love me like I thought she did. She just used me. Thankfully, I discovered this before Valentines Day and her birthday so I didn’t give her what I planned (combined, she would have gotten a ticket to three concerts, a jean jacket like mine, and a dozen roses — two of the three tickets have since been sold).

– If your significant other becomes verbally abusive, there’s probably a reason. When we first started dating, she was very sweet. But as weeks passed, she changed. She said a lot of things that became very hurtful and made me question my own existence at one point. She also attacked several of my insecurities that she knew were sensitive for me and would make me feel bad about myself. I think that deep down, she was just trying to get rid of me.

– Just because you’re dating, doesn’t mean you automatically have to trust them. I learned this the hard way. I can’t trust her anymore. Even as a friend. I can’t and I won’t. Who’s to say she wouldn’t try and screw me over again? I take risks every day of my life, but they’re calculated. I’d rather take my chances of riding my bicycle when it’s below zero and get hypothermia than take chances with her again. It’s also hard to be friends with someone not a single one of your friends like.