Tag: exes

I check on her on occasion.

I broke up with my ex a little over eight months ago and haven’t talked to her in seven months. I have blocked her on every social media platform except Twitter for a very specific reason.

It links to her VSCO.

Every once in a while, I check her VSCO to see if she’s alright and if she’s changed since we broke up. She’s still with the same guy and smoking pot and constantly photographing it, so that’s nice to see. She’s also still twerking too.

I also never blocked her number. It’s no longer in my contacts, but if she ever did contact me I would receive it.

Seeing stuff like that makes me feel better about things. Mostly because I know I’m not missing out. I’m not about smoking pot and going to parties in suspicious parts of the city. I’m more of the work professionally 7-3 and exercise at night and then have a little fun on the weekends kind of person.

My friends say that I have a case of the “on-set adult”, and they’re right. I want to make money and be successful and those were two things she never appeared to want to do. As the adult I’ve grown into, I now realize she was holding me back and in some ways I’m thankful she cheated on me because it was how I broke free and never looked back.

 

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Updates.

I’ve been very busy recently. I am writing this after midnight because I can’t sleep because I took a four hour nap because it rained all day. I haven’t been able to blog at all because I’ve been busy at school and at work. So here’s some updates.

– I started my final semester at university on 21 August. I have an online writing class, a class about how to be an entrepreneur, and a business class that I should have taken like a year ago but somehow managed to bypass for the last two years. My advisor gave me hell about it over the spring. I have friends in both physically met classes.

– I’ve now cycled 81,000 miles. I reached 80,000 miles in early August and 81,000 miles last week. I’ve also surpassed the 9,000 mile mark for the fifth consecutive year. I’m about 1,000 miles behind what I did last year at this time but I’m okay with it because I got very run down from the excessive cycling in previous years. I feel better going into fall this year.

– I’ve been working three days a week since early May. I write contracts and contact manufacturers. I take two trains to get there. One of my buddies is trying to get a job in the same agency I work for. I’ve been pulling for him.

– I’ve recovered from anorexia. I weigh the most I have in seven years but I feel strong and healthy; something I’ve not felt in many years.

– I got new earrings. My temporary studs were removed over the weekend and replaced with very tiny white gold hoops that hug my lobes.

– I recently heard from a friend of my ex’s. She contacted me because she fears my ex is getting out of control and thought I may be the only one who could tame her. I’m not about it and could honestly care less after what she did to me over the winter. I also found out she’s at a new college, dating a much older man, and spending a lot of time in the middle of Jersey.

I’ll update again later in the semester.

Until then,

David

 

 

A letter to M.

M,

You were my first love.

You were my first kiss.

You were my princess.

You were my world.

I loved you more than you’ll ever know.  I loved our adventures together before we dated and even when we dated to a point. We talked future together and talked moving west coast so that you could go “home” to Santa Monica. My whole life has been in the Philadelphia area but was willing to uproot my life to make you happy. I remember the night I asked you out with Rob and Steph in on everything and them encouraging me to ask you out. They would later tell me that they didn’t actually like you but knew it would make me happy if we dated.

I didn’t know how far we’d go or how long we’d last but I had hoped for a lifetime. A few weeks in, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. We peaked at New Years. I had my first New Years kiss and I was excited. The rest of that night was fantastic as well as I stumbled through town a little bit of a mess. I was in love at that point.

We had Winter Jawn in Philly and slept together (for the first and only time) the night before. You got hit a crowdsurfer, as did I. But, you lost your temper that day and it was from that point on that I knew we were over even though we didn’t break up until a few weeks later.

I was out with the guys the night before. I was an absolute wreck that morning. I remember going out to ride but I don’t remember much else. I was sitting in my office chair with a friend sitting next to me talking about life. I noticed a guy in your Snapchat that looked way too close to you and I called you out. You admitted that you had been cheating on me several times. I would later find out the total number weeks later. It seemed like you were on a mission.

I took the break up and the news pretty badly. I took too many anxiety pills that day and the following to help me keep my life together. I also drank a lot the following days. I would see a reflection of the old me.

We talked for about a month after the break up and I had contemplated dropping out of school for a good few weeks until I started hanging out with my friends at school and started getting social again. They kept me together for that month or so and I decided to stay. I’m glad I did. Prior to taking my Finance final I had a semester GPA of 3.8. Finance dropped me to 3.5, but I still made Deans List.

A lot happened after we broke up: I stopped smoking, I stopped taking pills, I drank a lot less, and I no longer felt suicidal. I also felt free and happy. Because I wasn’t focusing my attention on someone who didn’t love me, I was able to break free and truly love myself and find someone new in a way I never did and I have to thank you for setting me free. I was able to really focus on people who were meaningful and not on you who never really reciprocated.

I still have the bracelet you made for me. I don’t wear it and haven’t in a long time, but I do have it. I also do check on you on Twitter every once in a while to make sure you’re okay. Even though you really hurt me, I care.. to a minimal extent. I see you’re with a new guy and I’m happy for you. I just hope he treats you well and doesn’t treat you the way you treated me.

When we broke up, you made a thing that you remember my birthday. If you do wish me a happy birthday, I will respond nicely.

-D

 

 

The feeling of finally belonging.

I spent many years of my life not knowing where I belonged. I never really had a great social life with any circle of friends. Yeah, I had friends but we never really went anywhere.

I spent years with “whatserface” and we hung out a bit. But, even that wasn’t great despite her being my high school crush and later on my girlfriend. Most times it was just me and her and it was me babysitting her because it was her chance to break free from her parents. She was highly overprotected by her parents growing up and for some reason her mom really trusted me going to the city with her despite me being very open about certain things of my past that most mothers would not be happy about. My friends never really liked whatserface and were very vocal about not wanting her around and not liking her.

They didn’t like her because she would always invite herself to things that only I was invited to and everyone hated that. She even invited us to things only her friends were invited to and insisted that we went despite neither of us being invited.

(Quick story: New Years Eve was the biggest example of that. Her friends were invited to a party, neither of us were, and they pretty much told her that we couldn’t go because the guy throwing the party didn’t know us).

I’m just happy that’s all over. I don’t have to fake smile my way through pictures until someone gets the “right angle”, I don’t have to spend a Sunday night in a hookah lounge while a million freaking pictures are being taken, and I don’t feel forced into going to house parties where I feel totally out of place. It’s all such a relief that I don’t have to worry about any of that anymore. I can also drink in a restaurant because we’re all of age. I also don’t get my hopes up anymore being told I’m getting to go somewhere and then like an hour before leaving getting a phone call being like “Oh, sorry. We don’t have room in the car for you” or “The driver doesn’t want to take you. Find a different way there and we’ll meet up” with her knowing that I couldn’t arrange plans that quickly and would constantly send me Snapchats of literally everything she was doing and rubbing it in my face.

After I broke it off and distanced myself from her, I was able to reconnect with lost friends of the past and hung out with them almost every weekend for the first month after the break up. They’ve got lives too though and I haven’t seen some of them in a little bit. I also kind of feel out of place because they’re mostly couples and it’s not an ideal match.

What is an ideal match is the new circle of friends that formed this semester. It’s kind of weird how we formed though. We formed out of a group project for our Finance class. Three of the four of us also have another class together and it helped us grow closer because we would spend about an hour together after that class just hanging out and going on mini “field trips” after class. It was nothing special. It was like going to a trail near school and exploring, or getting Levi allergy medicine at CVS, or just going to Chick Fil A for a snack. Finance also grew super draining towards the end, so we would go out for a little while afterwards and eventually end up playing parking lot frisbee. We make fun of each other quite a bit but it’s because we care about each other (and we’re just jerks to each other).

We’ve already got a concert together scheduled for the summer and also a Memorial Day weekend trip to the beach. I finally feel like I fit in somewhere. That I can be myself and I don’t have to filter myself and pretend to be things I’m not. I’m just Dave, the cyclist with huge legs. I’m known for being the loudest and one of the most sarcastic in groups of people and I like that I can do and be that.

Late thoughts.

on the 8th of the month, it will be one month since I’d last had any contact with her. Whether it’s by phone call or text, it will be a month. It’s not the longest we’ve not talked to each other as there was a six month hiatus two years ago. That time, we admitted we needed a break from each other and decided not to talk. This time, it just ended. The very last thing I ever texted her was “Shit happens. That’s life”.

I have no interest in ever being friends with her again nor would I ever consider dating her again. But, after a few beers in late at night, I think about her and how she’s doing or if she ever dated any of the eight guys she cheated on me with.

I loved her. I honestly did. Even when she was difficult, selfish, and all about her and never about us. But, I know her life and I know her path choices. They aren’t always the best and at times they get her in a lot of trouble. There would be nights when we were just friends where she’d do something and something would happen and she would ask for advice. As the harder rebel I once was, I still got a few tricks up my sleeve and could always get her out safely by giving her strategy. But now, she has nobody to give her strategy and she’s probably still going to parties, still getting wrecked, still getting abused by guys at parties, and still relying on someone at the party to help her out of her mistake. I did everything I could to be a friend and boyfriend to her.. but it ended in heartbreak and infinite sadness.

I often say I’m over her because I never really think of her.. but, when I do think of her it hits me in the feels and makes me think back to when times were good.

“Nothing lasts forever.”

I was having this talk with a friend of mine. She’s going through a difficult time in her life. I’m not really good at giving advice but the thing I told her was that “Nothing lasts forever”. Good or bad, it’s the truth. She’s not in a good place right now but it won’t be forever. She has a boyfriend that absolutely loves her,  going to graduate college in the next year or so, and is trying to apply for a government job (I gave her a little bit of help, telling her where to apply for a government job that fits her career – she’s involved in medical and psychology).

I say “nothing lasts forever” quite a bit. It’s almost like my motto. A couple can be married for 50 years until one of them passes away. That’s a lifetime, but not forever.

I look at the little things in my life, like cycling. A lot of people who’ve known me for years thought I’d grow old and be a cyclist until I couldn’t do it anymore. But, every once in a while friends will ask me about my cyclist life and what I plan to do with it in time. People are stunned that I project I’ll be completely disconnected from it in three years or less because I want to retire from it while I can still walk. Cycling won’t be forever for me. It will be ten and a half years at the very most. But, it will still be nice to say I was a cyclist for a decade through the core of my teens and through my early twenties.

I have friends who have dated several years and known each other longer than they’ve dated. I have friends that are dating each other and I hear what each of them say when they’re not next to each other. The girl will talk about getting married and having a kid and even their first home together. The guy will be like “we’ll probably get married one day”, but it doesn’t go much beyond that as we sit there drinking our beer. Maybe I’m just a typical dude that doesn’t look that far in the future. Partially because it’s a scary place, partially because events change the way people look at each other.

Unrelated rant: The thought of “nothing lasts forever” lives with me. It’s why I never talk about the future if I’m dating someone. The way I feel in a specific moment definitely won’t be the same in the future. Even thinking back to my recent relationship that ended.. I was in love at first because I dated the girl I always wanted to date. But, after a while.. before everything came out, I went along with it but didn’t feel much of anything towards the end. We were two very different people and it became very clear. I had a direction for a future and a career and I knew what I wanted to do where as she just hoped that someone would discover her “talent” while she was busking or something. She solely relied on being discovered whereas I went to my current job with my blog entries and my cycling archive to show the kind of things I’m capable of doing and let them decide if I was worth bringing on board. Hell, I even showed her how to apply for a job where I work but she declined it because it “sabotaged her dream”. I wish her the best, but I’m not going to do anything to help her or her future.

 

I can’t hold on to an empty space.

It’s been almost a month since the break up. The dust has settled in the last two weeks or so.

I try not to talk to her and have her blocked everywhere except for direct contact through text. I never text her first. She always contacts me first now and I will eventually answer. She tries to piece back together and be friends whereas I want absolutely nothing from her or anything to do with her.

She contacted me for the first time in two weeks last night. I was asleep when she sent it so I woke up to it. It was a text regarding her noticing that I blocked her literally everywhere I could think of. We texted briefly. She still tried to apologize and justify what she did along with the interest of trying to be friends again.

The thing with her though is that I don’t think it’s the friendship she wants. I think she wants the benefits (not those benefits). She’s been slowly realizing that nobody has the patience, honesty, faithfulness, care, and natural love like I had for her. That’s not my problem anymore. She’s not my responsibility anymore. I got to write pretty things to her for over five years and got to really develop my writing through that. That’s my bright side.

I live my life exactly the way I want to now and I want to keep it that way. I’m free and no longer getting hurt by someone who’s so narcissistic and misdirects anger at the people she loves (after the break up, I found out I’m not the only one she was verbally abusive towards).

I’m in a good place now and I want to stay there. If I let her crawl back into my life I don’t think I’d be able to stay in that place.