Tag: depression

I often pretend to be happy.

Growing up, I was a very depressed child. I was a loner and could never make any real connections. I was very isolated. I never partied in high school because I didn’t get invited to anything. ever. I started drinking by myself at seventeen and would drink until I couldn’t feel anything. That statement would often hold true until I was in my early twenties. I never pretended to be happy and people around me who knew me knew I wasn’t happy. Every party story I ever told regarding my life until I was about twenty-one were highly fabricated because I didn’t want to appear boring or like I was missing out.. when in fact, both were true of me.

When I got older, I revamped a little bit. When I got to my second college, I knew I had to change if I wanted to meet people. I would often do things to perk me up to make me appear happy when in reality, I was still often depressed and unhappy. I met some great guys at college when I was there. It became the five of us. I was usually the loudest of the group.

But my loudness was fake in a way. I got loud because I took pills that make me happy and I still take them (prescribed of course). While they make me happy, I hate the fake happiness it brings. It’s brought so many people flocking to me and I have more friends than ever because of it.. but it’s all fake in the end. Without the pills, I seem off and incomplete. I’m even writing this without pills.

The pills allow me to pretend to be happy. I feel carefree with them and like I can overcome anything. I love that it’s given me a new life but hate that I feel so fake at times. Sometimes, I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel so unauthentic at times that I feel like I’m not me.

Even at work.. I take my prescription before I start my job. I appear different in the office and I think people notice. Sometimes, I get too quiet and sit there like a statue and do not communicate.

I’ve fought this battle for years, and I’ve grown tired of fighting it.

Advertisements

I went numb this week.

It’s nearly 2 am on New Years Eve. I lay on the couch feeling empty, alone, and drunk.

I have gone outside minimally this week and have started drinking right after I woke up the last few days.

I think the feeling of emptiness and loneliness truly set in these last few days and I could only cope with it by drinking because I can’t do much anymore with my job and all.

I found out in the morning that the guys I was supposed to go out with for New Years Eve have each decided to make new plans of their own and I’m not part of any of their plans.. so I’m alone on New Years Eve.

I think about the things I was doing this time last year and how happy I was before I found out what was really going on. It was never really anything to write about and it was often one-sided in her favor, but at least I was able to wrap my arms around someone I had genuinely loved at the time.

Now I have nobody and nothing. I haven’t gotten out since before graduation with the guys. We were supposed to celebrate graduation together.. but it never materialized and it probably won’t.

I begin to see how my friends really are now. Like they wanted to just unload me after graduation.

Disconnect.

Tuesday, 1:24 am.

Recently, I feel like my entire life has been in disconnect. Things haven’t felt the same.

I haven’t wanted to talk to many people recently. In the last few weeks since school got out I have only communicated with two or three people on a daily basis. My texts have been dry except for the last few days where we were planning something.

Something feels off in my life and I can’t put my finger on it exactly but I think depression is a factor. I haven’t gone out much with the exception of this weekend where I was constantly out.

Sometimes I question things late at night and think about if they are really worth it anymore.

This girl I’ve been talking to and gotten close with knows I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life and has been very supportive as well as given me space when I’ve wanted to be alone. She understands me and she’s absolutely wonderful.

Lacking enthusiasm.

Have you ever been a part of something for so long that you lost enthusiasm doing it?

I’m now in that place with cycling.

It’s been my baby of a project since I was 14 (I’ll be 23 in July) and was the first thing I ever gave a commitment to and what also got me to love the outdoors. While I was cycling in just one place almost the entire time and still cycle there, I’ve expanded my horizons and go a lot of places on my bike now outside of the usual routine.

But, there’s just something that’s changed. I don’t really know what. It could be spiritually or emotionally. I feel like my heart isn’t in it anymore like it once was. It was the one thing I always loved talking about when people asked because they knew it’s who I am. But, nowadays.. if someone asks about it.. I’ll be like “Yeah, I plan on riding today” or “It’s going alright”. I don’t feel like elaborating it anymore because I feel like I’ve done enough of that to last two lifetimes.

Sometimes.. I just feel worn and tired. I wake up and walk downstairs to get coffee in the morning and all I hear are my knees crackling.

I’ve also missed more time this year for cycling than I have since 2014 and have not surpassed 1,100 miles in a month yet this year. It’s very unlike me. Almost every year I would significantly pass that milestone by March and get more than 1,300 miles in a month. I feel like I can’t do it anymore.

And I even look at the neighborhoods that I’ve used as my path. They aren’t the same anymore. Up until this year, they were pretty empty most of the time. The only time I would experience anything was if I overslept on the weekend and the kids would be out at like 1 in the afternoon and I expected it. Those were good kids though. If they were playing something, they would wait for me to pass and then continue. Now, most of the week when I go out.. there’s loads of disrespectful, self-entitled kids out there who.. if I ride by them and they are playing a game get so upset they will intentionally try and make it hard for me to ride. They typically throw things at me or try to walk directly in front of me and laugh. I’ve also watched a few of them throw things at passing cars if they made them stop playing something. Some of those kids don’t even live there. It’s a mess and it’s the one thing I’ve gone to hate more than anything. Parents are nowhere to be found to stop it from happening as most times they throw them out to the streets and make them the neighborhood’s problem. There was one instance that it got so bad one night that I had to get my dad out to police it so I could finish a ride and so that kids would stop throwing things at me. One night this young boy (can’t be older than five), unscrewed the saddle post to a bicycle that wasn’t even his and threw the saddle post with seat still attached directly at my head and only missed me by inches. He stood there clapping his hands as if he was proud of himself that it almost hit me in the head. I can’t even tell a parent about it because I don’t know who his parent is. Like six adults live at his house and the times I’ve come in contact with any of them, they’ve been incredibly rude to me. The kid’s got serious issues though (there was one incident that the little dude punched an unfamiliar kid in the face and started bleeding as they were running away and the little dude just stood there laughing about it as if someone told him the funniest joke ever — great parenting).

Depression may also be another factor. People have told me that my appearance has changed in recent months. Longer, uncombed hair, an unshaven face, dead eyes that I typically hide when I’m out. I feel a lot of disconnect in my life right now even though I’m in a good place in my life (a great job, about to graduate college).

And.. you know.. I celebrated the eighth anniversary of cycling on the 18th. I typically bring out a picture from the first year and try to find it in myself to write something inspiring to people on their own weight loss journey and I just.. couldn’t find anything. I just wrote a status that acknowledged it was the anniversary and that cycling was a big part of how I got my job. I’ve lived through most of my life with depression and can often hide it pretty well.. just not recently. It comes to the point where I sometimes feel too depressed to ride. I’ve never been there until recently. I used to ride more when I was depressed to make me feel better. I can’t even do that anymore.

It’s a darker time in my life when it shouldn’t be and I don’t know how to explain it or why it’s happening.