Tag: break ups

A letter to M.

M,

You were my first love.

You were my first kiss.

You were my princess.

You were my world.

I loved you more than you’ll ever know.  I loved our adventures together before we dated and even when we dated to a point. We talked future together and talked moving west coast so that you could go “home” to Santa Monica. My whole life has been in the Philadelphia area but was willing to uproot my life to make you happy. I remember the night I asked you out with Rob and Steph in on everything and them encouraging me to ask you out. They would later tell me that they didn’t actually like you but knew it would make me happy if we dated.

I didn’t know how far we’d go or how long we’d last but I had hoped for a lifetime. A few weeks in, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. We peaked at New Years. I had my first New Years kiss and I was excited. The rest of that night was fantastic as well as I stumbled through town a little bit of a mess. I was in love at that point.

We had Winter Jawn in Philly and slept together (for the first and only time) the night before. You got hit a crowdsurfer, as did I. But, you lost your temper that day and it was from that point on that I knew we were over even though we didn’t break up until a few weeks later.

I was out with the guys the night before. I was an absolute wreck that morning. I remember going out to ride but I don’t remember much else. I was sitting in my office chair with a friend sitting next to me talking about life. I noticed a guy in your Snapchat that looked way too close to you and I called you out. You admitted that you had been cheating on me several times. I would later find out the total number weeks later. It seemed like you were on a mission.

I took the break up and the news pretty badly. I took too many anxiety pills that day and the following to help me keep my life together. I also drank a lot the following days. I would see a reflection of the old me.

We talked for about a month after the break up and I had contemplated dropping out of school for a good few weeks until I started hanging out with my friends at school and started getting social again. They kept me together for that month or so and I decided to stay. I’m glad I did. Prior to taking my Finance final I had a semester GPA of 3.8. Finance dropped me to 3.5, but I still made Deans List.

A lot happened after we broke up: I stopped smoking, I stopped taking pills, I drank a lot less, and I no longer felt suicidal. I also felt free and happy. Because I wasn’t focusing my attention on someone who didn’t love me, I was able to break free and truly love myself and find someone new in a way I never did and I have to thank you for setting me free. I was able to really focus on people who were meaningful and not on you who never really reciprocated.

I still have the bracelet you made for me. I don’t wear it and haven’t in a long time, but I do have it. I also do check on you on Twitter every once in a while to make sure you’re okay. Even though you really hurt me, I care.. to a minimal extent. I see you’re with a new guy and I’m happy for you. I just hope he treats you well and doesn’t treat you the way you treated me.

When we broke up, you made a thing that you remember my birthday. If you do wish me a happy birthday, I will respond nicely.

-D

 

 

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I can’t hold on to an empty space.

It’s been almost a month since the break up. The dust has settled in the last two weeks or so.

I try not to talk to her and have her blocked everywhere except for direct contact through text. I never text her first. She always contacts me first now and I will eventually answer. She tries to piece back together and be friends whereas I want absolutely nothing from her or anything to do with her.

She contacted me for the first time in two weeks last night. I was asleep when she sent it so I woke up to it. It was a text regarding her noticing that I blocked her literally everywhere I could think of. We texted briefly. She still tried to apologize and justify what she did along with the interest of trying to be friends again.

The thing with her though is that I don’t think it’s the friendship she wants. I think she wants the benefits (not those benefits). She’s been slowly realizing that nobody has the patience, honesty, faithfulness, care, and natural love like I had for her. That’s not my problem anymore. She’s not my responsibility anymore. I got to write pretty things to her for over five years and got to really develop my writing through that. That’s my bright side.

I live my life exactly the way I want to now and I want to keep it that way. I’m free and no longer getting hurt by someone who’s so narcissistic and misdirects anger at the people she loves (after the break up, I found out I’m not the only one she was verbally abusive towards).

I’m in a good place now and I want to stay there. If I let her crawl back into my life I don’t think I’d be able to stay in that place.

 

The break up (and the storm that followed).

It was early Sunday afternoon. I was a little out of it from the night before because I went out with some friends.

I was sitting on a chair in my office and two of my friends were with me. Me and her were talking about the parties we attended and I noticed on Snapchat she was with a guy and they looked too close to be just friends and I called her out on it.

A little while later, she called me and admitted that she cheated on me. Not just with him, but with three other guys as well. It was in that moment I just went numb. Because I don’t yell, I do the exact opposite and that is talk very low and sad. It’s almost like my universal symbol for being upset.

She said she cheated on me so that it would force a break up because she was not feeling a spark anymore and never really did but didn’t want to hurt my feelings by simply breaking it off. She still wants to remain friends though. I don’t see how that is possible when someone betrays you like that.

But, I never yelled or let her have it (despite her even saying she deserved it). My friends said she deserved it too and knew I wouldn’t. So.. my friends took action on my behalf and let her have it. I do not know exactly who (besides two people – a close friend of mine, and an ex of mine from several years ago) let her have it, but apparently there was enough people that her mom texted me and congratulated me on having my friends “gang up” on her despite me having nothing to do with it.

Her and I were still talking after the break up, but at times I couldn’t and my friends would take my phone and text her never giving their real identities. They never said anything threatening, just about how I was taking the break up. She still texts me, and I still respond occasionally but it’s at that point where any feeling with her now is just numbness. Kinda like that feeling when you’re getting a cavity filled and given Novocaine. It’s that feeling.

Deep down, every part of me wants nothing to do with her and I cannot forgive her actions. It will be a scar that lasts a lifetime.