Author: David

Been a while.

Hi all.

It’s been a while.

I never actually like.. plan to write things. They’re kind of in the moment type things like right now.

I’ve been busy with work recently. I was in Ohio for business in late April and I had a good time at times. My group abandoned me on and off and one girl in the group had the attitude that she was better than everyone else. We worked out about as well as two left shoes.

I’ve been talking to a girl recently. I’ve known her about 75% of my life and she has a personality very similar to mine. The sarcasm and all is there and I love it. Secretly, I have feelings for her and I wouldn’t soberly admit that to her. She’s not the kind of girl that openly has feelings about anything and can be a little rough around the edges sometimes but that’s why I like her.

Me and her briefly talked about renting a house together as friends. I’d love that but I don’t know if that was her drunk talking.

I guess I’ll write more later?

Advertisements

Late night thoughts.

It’s nearing 11:30 on a Monday night and I’ve been doing some thinking about some things.

Not long ago, I heard “New York” by St. Vincent and it made me think about relationships of the past and possibly the future.

I think about my ex when writing this. The one I have written about on here countless times and one of the reasons why I started this new blog over a year ago. I definitely forgave her many, many times and I got jealous at times because she lived a life I’d always dreamed of when it came to even more excessive partying and doing new things. She was my everything for so long.. because even though we were official for only six weeks, we had history dating back six months before that and we also had been close for two years before that. The memories were always kind of faded because of how I was at the time, but even the faded memories go even more faded in time. I was very fond of the little things that we had.. like her sleeping on my shoulder on the train and cuddling at my house. The little things. The little things that were more than enough for me but nothing for her. I think I was so in love at one point  that I would have probably forgiven her for anything just to keep her. Even after the relationship ended, she did try to snake back to me before she dated the guy she is dating now. It was hard to reject her at that time, but I was in company of friends at the time she asked if I wanted to start again. Had I not been, I don’t know what I would have done. I may have said yes.. I don’t know. From my occasional check ins, she seems the happiest she’s ever been. I’m happy to see she’s happy.

As for the future, I think about something that my trainer said to me way back when I was a trainee. It was “Never get married and never have kids.. they’ll suck you dry”. He’s been married about 25 years and has three kids. The oldest is about to graduate high school. I think the youngest is about to enter high school. He’s said a lot of things over the fifteen months I’ve worked there and I think about all of them. He’s also said something like “Have a relationship, but remain distant”. This is all unsolicited advice but I still think about what he says.

The never have kids bit is something that I heavily agree on. It really upsets my mother but she knows how I feel. A good friend of mine tries to change my mind with her toddler daughter and I play along, but deep down I don’t want kids. A lot of it comes from frustration in my neighborhood. There’s a lot of kids younger than ten and they’re all terrible. Terrible to eachother. Terrible to other people. Terrible to me. I’ve never seen kids so aggressive and disrespectful as these kids. One night I saw one of the boys wrestle another boy to the ground in the middle of the street. The one boy left absolutely covered in blood while the other sat there laughing like he was told the world’s funniest joke. This has happened several times, but the mentioned time was the worst.

I think my uncle had the right idea. He didn’t marry until he was in his late fifties and had a kid around the same time. He retired two years ago and raised his daughter while his wife is fifteen years younger and goes to work. Maybe that’s the way to go. Live your prime being single.. and then when you’re slowing down.. get tied down to someone you know would always be by your side?

A boring AF Easter and some rambling.

It’s been a very quiet, very boring (AF) Easter for me. But, it was to be expected as it’s like this every year and has been for my entire adult life.

I guess you could say my Easter started at midnight. I was celebrating Villanova’s win over Kansas in the Final Four. I didn’t go to Nova, but they are located within the county I live in and it’s nice to see a local team doing well.

After I finished celebrating, I wrote my last post.. but I got very distracted and ended up watching old videos of the Foo Fighters (like the Brixton ‘95 gig) for like an hour. I finally got to bed at about 3 AM.

I made a promise to my mom that I’d go to church with her and dad for 8 AM mass. I wore a black shirt, a black, grey, purple, and pink tie, khakis, and a blazer with a pair of Doc Martens. Church was about 70 minutes. It was a little longer than usual because there was singing.

I then went out for a quick bite to eat so that I could go out to ride my bike and get done by 12:30.

The ramble: It’s that time of year where my cycling outfits change pretty drastically. For the four months leading up to now, I’m usually in a hat, gloves, oversized sweater and a heavier jacket for riding. This is about the time where all of that comes off and is replaced simply with a half buttoned flannel shirt. I wear it so that the top half of my chest is exposed and the warmer air blows through. It originated as a hungover style about four years ago when I’d come home from all nighter parties and go riding at 7 AM wearing the same shirt but half buttoned. I was usually airing out the shirt because it smelled of alcohol and cigarettes. The thing about me exposing half of my chest is that as a grown man.. I do have chest hair. Not like Barry Gibb thick, but it’s far from a hairless chest. When I was younger, I shaved my chest several times but I don’t anymore.

Additionally, I was surprised there wasn’t any kids outside playing when I was out for two and a half hours. There’s typically anywhere from two to twelve kids outside at once. I guess the parents actually spent time with their kids for once instead of shooing them outside and making them the neighborhood’s problem.

Anyway.. I got really far off track. I got back right around 12:30. I sat down for about a half hour and then went grocery shopping with my dad like we do every Sunday.

Riding and shopping got flipped for time today because I feared the streets I ride would get flooded with cars for Easter.. and they did. Because I live on one of the streets I ride on, I could see how busy it got by 2 PM.. which would be my typical ride time on a Sunday.

When we got back from the store, the Easter dinner was ready. We had ham and a bunch of sides. I ate with the parents and then they went to take naps. I was going to try and take a nap but I couldn’t and ended up writing this and listening to music on TV for a little while instead.

I don’t think I’ll do anything else today. I was thinking about going back out to ride but decided not to because the roads are still so congested. On top of that, I have to get up at 5 AM for work and we’re supposed to get snow tonight into tomorrow morning and it could cause a mess for trying to leave for  work.

Highly critical post.

There’s a reason I love to write these after midnight. It gives me the ability to be more unfiltered than usual because I don’t think nearly as much as to what I post. Whatever thoughts I have get written and nothing gets held back. So, here we go.

I have the nickname of “Dad” in at least two of my groups of friends. There’s several reasons for it. The not as significant reason is because  I’m the oldest friend. The more significant reason is that I’m critical of my friends to their faces to an extent about one particular thing. It’s not about their lifestyle choices (because I did the same things when I was younger), but about the kind of things they post on social media.

Full disclosure: I was no angel either. However, the things I did never went on social media. I was very private about my rebellion at the time and all friends I hung with knew that if they tried to take pictures of me that I’d leave on the spot.

If I see something on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, or Twitter that could prevent my friends from getting a job, I will give them a call or text telling them to think about what they posted. They usually remove it after talking to me.

Most of the time, it’s the same friend. He got fired from his last job because they saw videos and pictures of him smoking pot on Instagram. They drug tested him, he failed, and they fired him. He also got fired from a store for smoking pot behind the store and getting caught. He’ll post one or two pictures of his pot on Snapchat every week and will post videos of him getting drunk every weekend. He actively applies for jobs and goes on interviews on a weekly basis but never gets past the interview process. I think it could be because his references tell his potential employer what he did or they Google search him and find him on Instagram (he has a public profile and his handle is his first and last name).

Sad to say, most of my friends are just like that but not to that extent.

I’m not about their lives anymore for a lot of reasons. My health really deteriorated when I was involved. I struggled breathing at one point. Most importantly, my job would frown upon it. We’ve been warned in meetings not to post drunk pictures or worse on social media. I still hang with them but I just don’t participate. They’re overall respectful of my decision.

You think my one friend was bad? My ex is way worse. Her Twitter is about getting high. Her VSCO is mostly about getting high. Her Snapchat and Instagram was always about getting high (I don’t know about those two now because I don’t connect with her on those anymore). She would also openly brag about smoking when we were out in public places. I remember we were in the city one night at an event near city hall and she was drunk and super loud. She started almost screaming about how much she wanted to smoke what was in her purse. I’m surprised she didn’t get caught that night. I would usually drink, she would usually smoke.

Truthfully, I’m not against the activity itself. I’m against being stupidly open about the activity because it’s illegal. Even if it’s legal in your state, it’s still federally illegal. Because federal is greater than state, it’s still possible to get in significant trouble.

It’s always important to be aware of your surroundings and what’s around you. It may seem like nothing to you, but it could absolutely destroy your future.

Guidance doesn’t guide.

Guidance doesn’t guide, only ignores the real issues.

I have been reading about the Stoneman Douglas shooting and been reading points of view from other students that have not been overly exposed on the news. This one was from a girl who knew the shooter personally and knew what he was like. She was a tutor of his but was also bullied by him at one point before that. She believes that guidance did not do what they could to help someone who showed those tendencies and was clearly troubled. His actions were clearly documented but nothing was done to at least get him the help he needed and get to the root of the problem.

When I think about guidance in school, I understand this and I agree that guidance does not do a good enough job in helping young adults. I’ll give you two examples from my life.

My first contact with the guidance department was in the spring of 2011. I had lost a lot of weight, and I had been apparently “referred” to the guidance department because people grew concerned about my weight. At the time, I was about 5’9-5’10 and had weighed about 130 pounds. Those meetings that I had did not help me try to get help. Those meetings tried to force me to admit that I had anorexia. They did not ease into it and attacked me saying I had it. I didn’t really know what it was at the time to be completely honest. There was no help trying to get me back on track but there was a lot of blame and making me feel guilty. The end result to this was that I actually got worse because I felt so attacked and guilty to the point that I would weigh 115 pounds and get hospitalized because they me feel worthless instead of trying to help me.

My second contact was with college guidance in the fall of 2016. They do not play the kind of role that they do in high school with emotions and all. These guidance and advisor people help you with things like resumes and general questions about classes and if jobs would be good fits. Anyway, it was a requirement to show guidance our resumes before we started our intern classes. Me, someone who had no professional job experience and lived on cycling and blogging was absolutely DESTROYED by guidance. I still remember the little old lady who was in charge of the guidance department. I would sit in her office. I was 22 at the time. The first thing that came out of her mouth was “Why didn’t you work in retail or fast food when you were a teenager like everyone else?” My answer was something along the lines of “I didn’t want to feel degraded”. She would later go on to say that it would “ruin my chances of ever getting a good paying job”. Right after she said that I let her have it. Because I was a finalist for my government job, I explained that I had gone through all of the processing needed and they were in the middle of picking interns. She didn’t believe me and I gave her the phone number of the HR rep that I had been going through. She called her. She said something like “Whatever jobs Dave wrote on his resume are false”. To which the woman in HR responded “You mean he doesn’t ride a bike and doesn’t blog?” My guidance counselor went absolutely speechless. I gave her the exact same resume that I gave to my job. She just couldn’t believe that I could get a government job with no real job experience at any time in my life. My job was so moved that I had invested seven years (at the time.. it’s nine years now) and committed to that life of cycling that they felt the commitment and dedication couldn’t be matched by anyone in their early twenties. That’s how I got my internship. My personality made me a fixture and got me to be a full time employee. But, I think that’s just the big problem with guidance. It’s a lot of force and pull and not understanding of personal issues and alternate ways of being.

Because I felt threatened and guilted by guidance, my eating disorder got a lot worse and I almost died because of how guidance made me feel.

Because I had an alternate way of life, I had guidance not believe my story and embarrassed me with my job because I did things a little different than most people. By the way: of all my friends, I am the only one that has a serious, professional job. I also do have a good paying job better than any of my friends and better than most people I know at any age. Guidance got it so wrong.

The guidance system is heavily flawed. It’s not always a straight path in life. As much as guidance would like their students to have a straight path from point A to point B, people like me go from point A to point C and skip point B because we’re a little different but we sure as hell find a way to make it work out.

I heard from my source.

It’s a source and I don’t have proof but I heard my ex may be pregnant. The pictures I was shown of her 21st birthday party make it more convincing.

If she is pregnant, good for her. She talked about having children when we were together and I thought it was too much too soon because we were both in college (she still is). We messed around a few times and did play it safe but I was worried that safe wasn’t safe enough and that I’d get a phone call from her mom. By early November, I was feeling relieved.

Deep down, I always thought she’d have a child fairly young in life based on what she’s like. If you read my last entry, you’d know what I mean. If she is pregnant and she’s the same way she used to be with me, that kid may not even be her boyfriend’s.

She slept around A LOT. Before my relationship and during my relationship with her, there were a lot of dudes. There were eight other dudes in the six weeks when me and her were together and there were quite a few before me too. It seemed like she found a new guy every weekend at parties she went to at universities in the area. I would find out all these details much later.

For his sake, I hope she’s remained faithful and if she is pregnant, I hope it’s his. From what I’ve been told, they’re happy together and she’s been faithful.

But then I think about it from a personal standpoint. If it was my child. What would I do? How would it impact me?

Almost everyone who knows me knows I’m adopted. I was the child of two young adults (they were 19 and 20) and they didn’t have great jobs that could financially raise a child. I was adopted by a middle aged couple (now both in their late 60s) and I can definitely say it was the right choice. I grew up feeling loved and cared about (..and spoiled). If I had a child and couldn’t take care of them, I’d definitely look to go that route because it would be the best for the child. My parents are both very religious and an abortion would definitely go against everything they believe in.

On the other hand.. I am financially capable to support a child by myself. Also previously mentioned in my last entry, I live at home and I’d say I keep about 85% of my net earnings. I try to help my parents out a little bit because they don’t charge me rent or anything. I’d have the money to raise a child but not the time. I’m gone from 5:30 am until about 5:00 pm five days a week. If I had a child, I’d never see them and I’d feel like a neglectful parent for having to constantly have my parents watching my child. Even in that situation, I’d probably still try to put my child up for adoption so that they could have the best life and best opportunities possible just like I had with my adopted family.

She turned 21.

Yesterday, my ex-girlfriend and former friend turned 21.

I thought about her yesterday wondering how she’d celebrate or what her boyfriend would do for her.

I haven’t talked to her in nearly a year and don’t have her number anymore. If I did, I would have wished her a happy birthday.

While she did do some horrible things to me and treated me terribly, I’ve moved past that and let it go. The bitterness, anger, and sadness that first hit have long disappeared.

As much as I don’t like to admit it, I think about her sometimes. We were friends for over five years and had been through a lot together.

In the end, what killed everything was the fact that I’m a simple person. I wanted the ‘just us’ time, I wanted to stay in some nights, and I didn’t want to party that much because I had done my share of that in the four years leading up to dating her. I was partied out while she was just starting to experience it for the first time.

To my knowledge, we’ve both remained unchanged.

We have a mutual friend who has for the most part given up on her. My ex is kind of wild when she drinks a little or smokes a little. But if she does a little too much of either, she’s out of control. I saw it plenty of times to the point she’d flirt with and try to kiss other men when we were out together.

I remain simple. I don’t party anymore because my heart isn’t in it and I’ve grown past that stage of my life. Instead, I hang out with my friends once in a while and we go out for a couple drinks. Unfortunately, I can never get all five of us together and the best I can usually do is three people.. but we make it work. Sometimes I roadie with my friend’s band and get to hangout with musicians and I like that a lot.

I remember one of the last talks we had. It was about jobs.

I had just been hired by my government agency and I told her I was going to do pretty well in a few years based on the structure of payscale.

She said a formal job “wasn’t for her”, and that she would probably busk for money at train stations in Philly. I’ve never seen her at the stations. From what I’ve gotten out of our mutual, her boyfriend doubles as a sugar daddy.. and because of that she doesn’t need a job.

In a lot of ways, I’m glad things worked out the way they did. I’d probably be broke because I’d have to pay for everything. Instead, I’m financially well off because I still live at home and just about everything I make is mine.

In the end, I think my overall simplicity and desire for an old school relationship wasn’t enough for her and she wanted more. In the end, I think she got what she really wanted.