Growing up, I was a very depressed child. I was a loner and could never make any real connections. I was very isolated. I never partied in high school because I didn’t get invited to anything. ever. I started drinking by myself at seventeen and would drink until I couldn’t feel anything. That statement would often hold true until I was in my early twenties. I never pretended to be happy and people around me who knew me knew I wasn’t happy. Every party story I ever told regarding my life until I was about twenty-one were highly fabricated because I didn’t want to appear boring or like I was missing out.. when in fact, both were true of me.
When I got older, I revamped a little bit. When I got to my second college, I knew I had to change if I wanted to meet people. I would often do things to perk me up to make me appear happy when in reality, I was still often depressed and unhappy. I met some great guys at college when I was there. It became the five of us. I was usually the loudest of the group.
But my loudness was fake in a way. I got loud because I took pills that make me happy and I still take them (prescribed of course). While they make me happy, I hate the fake happiness it brings. It’s brought so many people flocking to me and I have more friends than ever because of it.. but it’s all fake in the end. Without the pills, I seem off and incomplete. I’m even writing this without pills.
The pills allow me to pretend to be happy. I feel carefree with them and like I can overcome anything. I love that it’s given me a new life but hate that I feel so fake at times. Sometimes, I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel so unauthentic at times that I feel like I’m not me.
Even at work.. I take my prescription before I start my job. I appear different in the office and I think people notice. Sometimes, I get too quiet and sit there like a statue and do not communicate.
I’ve fought this battle for years, and I’ve grown tired of fighting it.