All broken promises.

Later at night when I should be sleeping, I think about things. It can literally be about anything from the clothes I’ll wear tomorrow to upcoming plans that are still six months away. Tonight, I really got thinking about the broken promises that surround my  life.

Here’s a list of some of those broken promises:

– My biological father always being there. I was fortunate enough to go to a loving family through adoption, but extra fortunate to have always known who my biological parents are and to even get to hang out with them when I was younger. The promise was broken when my biological father divorced my biological mother and moved to Florida to start a whole new life. I haven’t heard from him in five years. I still talk to my biological mother very regularly.

– My adopted father promising to never yell at me. He knows how much it bothers me and he promises to stop. But he at times get stressed out and has to let it out. Where does that stress go? To me by venting and yelling.

– My ex saying we would always remain friends no matter what. When we dated, we discussed the possibility of breaking up. We had discussed what would happen if we broke up and if we would still hang out. We agreed we would remain friends but we never did. Honestly, I’m kind of happy we didn’t. She brought a lot of pain and sadness. At the same time, I would like to know how she’s been.

– That my friends would have a huge party to celebrate me being the first friend to graduate college and also that we would hang out for the holidays. The week before I graduated, we were hanging out at a table in the lobby at school and talked because I was graduating and they had month long breaks from school. We had talked about going out to a bar to celebrate graduation and then again about all coming together to celebrate New Years. I go back to work in the morning and nothing materialized. I sent messages in group chat several times but always got blown off. It was hard to get through New Years alone because I didn’t have a girl in my life for the first time in many years and resulted in drinking my sadness. I relied on the guys to have a night out to get me away from my feelings and it failed terribly.

I’m at the point where I don’t know who to believe and trust anymore because of all of this. I’ve also given up getting my hopes up because it only leads to getting hurt and disappointed.

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