A letter to M.

M,

You were my first love.

You were my first kiss.

You were my princess.

You were my world.

I loved you more than you’ll ever know.  I loved our adventures together before we dated and even when we dated to a point. We talked future together and talked moving west coast so that you could go “home” to Santa Monica. My whole life has been in the Philadelphia area but was willing to uproot my life to make you happy. I remember the night I asked you out with Rob and Steph in on everything and them encouraging me to ask you out. They would later tell me that they didn’t actually like you but knew it would make me happy if we dated.

I didn’t know how far we’d go or how long we’d last but I had hoped for a lifetime. A few weeks in, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. We peaked at New Years. I had my first New Years kiss and I was excited. The rest of that night was fantastic as well as I stumbled through town a little bit of a mess. I was in love at that point.

We had Winter Jawn in Philly and slept together (for the first and only time) the night before. You got hit a crowdsurfer, as did I. But, you lost your temper that day and it was from that point on that I knew we were over even though we didn’t break up until a few weeks later.

I was out with the guys the night before. I was an absolute wreck that morning. I remember going out to ride but I don’t remember much else. I was sitting in my office chair with a friend sitting next to me talking about life. I noticed a guy in your Snapchat that looked way too close to you and I called you out. You admitted that you had been cheating on me several times. I would later find out the total number weeks later. It seemed like you were on a mission.

I took the break up and the news pretty badly. I took too many anxiety pills that day and the following to help me keep my life together. I also drank a lot the following days. I would see a reflection of the old me.

We talked for about a month after the break up and I had contemplated dropping out of school for a good few weeks until I started hanging out with my friends at school and started getting social again. They kept me together for that month or so and I decided to stay. I’m glad I did. Prior to taking my Finance final I had a semester GPA of 3.8. Finance dropped me to 3.5, but I still made Deans List.

A lot happened after we broke up: I stopped smoking, I stopped taking pills, I drank a lot less, and I no longer felt suicidal. I also felt free and happy. Because I wasn’t focusing my attention on someone who didn’t love me, I was able to break free and truly love myself and find someone new in a way I never did and I have to thank you for setting me free. I was able to really focus on people who were meaningful and not on you who never really reciprocated.

I still have the bracelet you made for me. I don’t wear it and haven’t in a long time, but I do have it. I also do check on you on Twitter every once in a while to make sure you’re okay. Even though you really hurt me, I care.. to a minimal extent. I see you’re with a new guy and I’m happy for you. I just hope he treats you well and doesn’t treat you the way you treated me.

When we broke up, you made a thing that you remember my birthday. If you do wish me a happy birthday, I will respond nicely.

-D

 

 

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