The one thing I’ve learned during senior year is to not ask “what if”, but instead just do it. Ask her out. Go out with your friends. Make memories with good people. Before, I was limited by my shyness. As I’ve grown older I grew out of it but it still makes me wonder what I could have done if I had this confidence a few years ago.
When thinking about it, the confidence could have been really useful a few years ago. If I had it a little while back, I would have definitely not gone to underground parties with just one other person because of my shyness. At the same time, it was the only place where misfits like me could fit in and feel like someone. I think that’s one of the big reasons I adopted art in general and why I feel like it’s a big family for me. We’re all misfits in some way, but when we come together you get a huge group of people who are the furthest thing from carbon copies of each other.
Also, if I had that confidence a few years ago I would not have invested all my time in “her”. It’s five years I’m not getting back because I always tried to make her feel good about herself.. even if she treated me horribly. If I had the confidence, I would have told her either we make something happen or I move on. I hung on to her for so long because I felt she was all I had. At least I have no “what if” questions about me and her dating.
I feel like I’ve grown so much over the last year. I have a social life now and that was something I never really had before. I loved being alone and it made me content. I wanted more though. I wanted to have fun with people. I wanted to have a life that was full of adventure and full of memories and it’s something I have now. I don’t want like Hallmark moments or anything like that. I want the Shoebox moments instead. Ones that end up being funny and inappropriate but you laugh about it anyway.
As I’ve become louder and more fun to be around I’ve been told I rub off on people. If that’s true, then I make people loud, inappropriate, and sarcastic. While that’s great for me, that’s not great for everyone else. You’ll have giggling in the back of classrooms, inappropriate conversations in the backseat of my buddy’s BMW, and sarcastic comments about the life around you. But hey, at least you’ll have a great time.