Rambling + a lot of who I am doesn’t make sense.

Rambling. It’s about 12:30 am and I’m four drinks in (three tequila slammers and a rum and coke). I still don’t know how or why we had tequila because I’m the only one at my house that drinks and my go to drink has been rum and coke since.. I don’t know.. since bartenders at weddings didn’t card when I was a teenager. I’m sitting in a dark living room listening to “On Hold” by The xx on repeat. It’s been my jam since I heard them perform it live on SNL a little back. I was so excited to go see them in May.. but after the break up, I sold the pair of tickets because they were the band we bonded over and seeing them would have been hard. I also don’t know anyone else who personally likes The xx.

But I’m sitting here on the couch and I thought about it..

A lot of who I am doesn’t make sense.

I’ll give you a load of examples:

– I have a love and fascination for tattoos but do not have any myself. I’ve had a love and fascination with them and stories behind them since I was a teenager. However, as the strict Christians my parents are.. they’ve been very against me getting one. But the “M-Maybe” girl may not be too far away.

– I am a finely tuned athlete but I drink.. and also smoke. The fact I drink surprises absolutely nobody because I’ve been labeled as a bad influence quite a few times in my life and I’ve also talked openly about drinking more when I was younger to deal with depression. The fact I smoke shocks a lot of people when they first find out or smoke with me. That was something I picked up in college as a social thing when I started hanging with my art friends. I don’t smoke very often, though.

– Behind the rebel image I’ve rocked for years, I’m actually a soft person. This really showed during the break up. As much as she hurt me, I did very little and never tried to hurt her even though she intentionally tried to hurt me and break us up. The things that were said were not said by me but by friends who were sick of her and wanted to give her a piece of their minds. Most of my friends didn’t like her even before any of that happened and would never double date us because they thought she was a bad person before anything surfaced. The most I ever did was tell her how I felt and I was very open about it.

– Even though I need upwards of 4,000 calories a day to function with cycling, I do not eat it most times. Not because I don’t want to but because it’s difficult at times if I can’t find anything dense in calories (that’s where the empty calories in the four drinks go towards). This is also why I’ve dealt with anorexia on and off for over six years.. simply because I cannot meet calorie goals.

– While I am known publicly for being heavily involved and associated with cycling, I have zero interest in it outside of what I do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very invested with my personal cycling but beyond that I have no interest. It’s another reason why I’ve remained as an indie cyclist despite getting quite a few invites to join clubs over the years. I do everything at my own will for cycling and it will remain that way until the day I retire.

– People either know me as very quiet or very loud but very few know the opposite side exists. This has to do with how you know me and when you met me. If you met when I was in my mid/late-teens, there’s a good chance you only have seen the quiet and shy me that was how I was my whole life until my final semester in community college. If you met me after I transferred colleges, there’s almost a certainty that you’ve never heard me with an indoor voice.

– Despite my love of writing and literature, I abandoned being an English/Lit major early on in college. I abandoned it because a lot of the stuff I was forced to read for assignments was older than Shakespeare and by the end I hated it so much that I switched majors. Maybe I could have taught writing but nobody taught me how to write. I developed on my own. I always had a C or lower in English classes until 10th grade because my writing style didn’t flow right until I spent a summer writing on a former blog and getting it to look more like the style I write in now.

– I’ve been told that my fitness story is inspiring and receive a lot of attention from people who find out about it for the first time but I’ve gone to not like the attention that it receives to the point I only talk about it if it’s for school purposes. Typically, I get the excuse once a semester that requires me to write something that I know a lot about (I’ve had to create blog posts three semesters in a row for three different professors as marketing/mis assignments) and I always take the easy way out and usually recycle things I had written in either late 2009 or early 2010 and revise them with how I write as a 22 year old instead of how I did as a 15 year old. This semester I went a different route and wrote about my friends in the art community.

In the end, I think the unconventionality of everything ties me together in an odd but kind of cool way.


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